dear carson.

We are about to head out on a little trip. 

And we are leaving one of our men behind.

I hate the feeling of breaking up our team. 

We are surprising our almost 5 year old with a quick trip to Disneyland, and the best part of the surprise is that she gets to have us ALL to herself. 
She doesn't have to share us with anyone.  Especially her darling, drooling, stroller hating, attention seeking, can't sit still at a restaurant, scene stealing, tantrum having, always running the other way, giggling like crazy, little brother.
And to be honest.  We don't really want to bring him either.  He would make our trip the least 'happiest place on earth'.
And, Disneyland doesn't serve alcohol.
So, it's a no brainer.

The boy stays home.

BUT...

being the realist that I am (or the crazy person that I am, tomato-tomatah), I am sitting here at 3:23am with a knot in my stomach and a tear in my eye, I am picturing our plane tumbling down to the ground in an inferno, and the only thing that is going to get me back to sleep is to leave my little man a letter.  I would have been a fabulous boy scout.  I am always prepared.
I am also insane, and perhaps a tad macabre.
Let's cut to the chase... 

Carson Ryan,

Hey pal. 
  You are a dream come true.  A dream I never even knew I had.  I never pictured myself with a little boy.  Never in a million years.  But boy have you made me realize how empty my life would have been without you.  I am talking empty with a captial E.  It's funny how different parents are after they have kids.  It's like no life truly ever existed before you guys were born.  At least no life that mattered.  It's no life that I would ever want again.  Because quite simply a  life without you wouldn't be a life worth living.
You are the most favorite part of my day.  Everyday.  I wait patiently each morning waiting for you to holler 'Mama' from your crib.  Starting my day with that trademark grin makes me absolutely giddy.  It makes anything seem possible. 
My third cup of coffee has the same effect as well.  
But buddy, that smile of yours.  It's something I just can't get over.  I love SO many things about you...your raspy little voice, the way you try to escape anytime a door opens, your mouth breathing blank stare, that you will eat anything we put in front of you, the way you love to be chased, how you squat when you are playing with your toys, the way you light up when your sis walks in the room, how you stomp and 'throw yourself away' when you get something taken from you, how easy you are to redirect, how much you love to bonk your noggin, that you keep me on my toes, that you are my social butterfly, that you LOVE loud noises, that you never snuggle except at bedtime, your cute little buns, that you are so ridiculously happy...but most of all I love that smile. 
Something tells me that you are going to spend a lot of your days in trouble, but something else tells me that your million dollar smile is going to get you out of a lot of trouble as well.  Use it to your advantage.  You have such a zest for life...and such a zest for danger.  Wear your helmet.  Slow down.  Don't spit on the sidewalk.  Remember a vandal is the lowest form of scoundrel.  Don't liter.  Never renege on bets.  Better yet don't gamble at all.  Nothing good happens after 2a.m., I promise.  And when you get arrested, call us.  You get one free pass.   
You have family.  Love them.  Laugh with them and at them.  Protect them fiercely.  They are the ones that will be there for you through the 'happys', the 'sads', and all the 'inbetweens'...it's a little thing called unconditional love.  Embrace it.  And don't take it for granted.  Spend time with your cousins.  You're more alike than you think.  Send birthday cards.  Keep in touch.  Spend time with them on the holidays.  Oh, and be nice to your sister.  You are her cheerleader, her confidante, and her bodyguard.  Take care of her. 
Be nice.  Make friends, and keep them.  Be trusted with their secrets.  Be careful what you put in writing, you can never take it back.  Be careful what pictures you post online (stupid Facebook...I don't envy you growing up in this era).  Never post a picture that you wouldn't feel comfortable showing your mother, your boss, or the dean of admissions.  Don't pose with booze.  No fighting.  But stand up to bullies.  You'll only have to do it once.  And if  you do ever get in a fight, punch first and punch hard.  Aim for the nose.  Also, be sure to stand up for the little guy.  He will remember you.  He will also most likely be your boss. 

You will have a love life one day.  Be discreet about it.  Don't be afraid to ask out the best-looking girl in the room.  Be confidant.  What's the worst that could happen?  Confidence and a good sense of humor will get you further than looks any day of the week.  And when that girl falls for you, remember this, a baby and/or a disease last a lifetime.  That's way longer than your 5 minutes of pleasure (I am being generous with the 5 minutes).  Don't underestimate your fertility.  Wrap that thing up!  Hold open doors.  Call her the next day.  Hold her hand.  Pay the tab.  Always.  Don't have a girlfriend in college.  When you do fall in love...fall hard.  Don't be reckless with her heart.  And if she breaks yours, I will find her and I will kill her. 
Treat your body well.  Take care of it.  Make it sweat.  Every day.  Go for a run, a bike ride, a swim.  Just move.  It will be the best form of therapy you will ever know.  Enter races.  Challenge yourself.  Challenge your body both physically and mentally.  You don't have to be the strongest or the fastest, but you can always be the toughest.  And despite what you may hear, not everyone is a winner, not everyone deserves a trophy.  But that doesn't mean you shouldn't play.  Play hard and suck it up.  Failure is one of the best teachers.  Learn from it.  Move on.  Oh, and never skip practice.
Work hard. Get those elbows dirty. You will start at the bottom. Put your nose to the grindstone and work your way up. You will appreciate it so much more when it's not given to you. You are what you do. Not what you say. Never forget this. No one likes a show off. Be humble. Don't gloat, a good friend will do this for you. Give credit and take blame. Be honest.  And if you're gonna do it.  Do it right.  Whether it's making the bed or raising your kids.  Cross your 'T's and dot your 'I's. 

Follow instructions.  You will be done in half the time.  Be a good listener...don't just wait your turn to talk.  Don't make a scene.  Ever.  Take a shower.  Keep your room clean, one day you'll have roommates.  When shaking hands grip firmly, and look someone in the eye.  Never look a dog in the eye.  Write thank you notes promptly.  Don't be a mooch.  If you have to finance anything other than school, your home, or your car then you can't afford it.  Root for the home team.  Finish everything you start, especially a book.  Don't ride your bike on the sidewalk.  Never ask a woman if she's pregnant.  Take the stairs.  Go to college.  Study hard.  Say please and thank you.  Stay busy, but take your time.  Be good to your wife.  Read to your kids. 
And absolutely no piercings or tattoos. 
Case closed.
One more thing.  Never stop smiling.  You're always going to be my boy that rides in the front seat of a roller coaster.  I like that about you.  I like everything about you.
Make me proud.
Make good choices.
I love you.
xoxo
Your flight fearin', slightly unstable, Mama