On Saturday, Hadley I headed to Alderwood Mall. We had a limited time frame, the stress of finding the perfect outfit for a date night with my man, and both of us probably had a combined blood sugar of 63. One of those stressors alone is a recipe for disaster...all of them together...a tsunami. We get to Nordstrom's and Hadley promises me if she has chocolate milk she will sit in her stroller while mom shops. I, stupidly, bit. She drank her milk in 9.2 seconds (she is well on her way to becoming a legend at her Mama's Alma mater, frat boys won't know what hit them). And now that she's finished her milk she wants nothing to do with her stroller and looks at me like 'you were so very silly to think I would actually sit here quietly while you shop...did you just meet me lady?' So, in a race against time and a two year old, I am frantically trying to find something that will knock my husband's socks off and also trying to control my child, who wants nothing more than to strip the mannequins, jump on the couch's, and unfold all the perfectly folded clothing. After countless threats, I throw in the towel, and just buy everything in sight for the sake of getting my child out of there alive (because I'm close to lodging her shoe lace in the escalator). As we are heading out, Hadley decides she wants me to carry her to the car. Fat chance, as I have two full shopping bags, a stroller to push, and Baby Huey is pushing close to 40 lbs. So what does she do...well what she does when I always say no of course, throws herself to the ground. But, it's not like we're still in the warm shopping mall where I can just shove her under a rack of clothes, no, she is right, smack dab, outside the Nordy's entrance making cement angels as her body convolts at the mere audacity that I would say no to her...of all people. So I try to get her up, she becomes a paraplegic, I tug her arm (I learned nothing from my poor sister in law), I threaten her through clenched teeth, I squeeze her arm...hard. And then I remember that I am totally in public, and at any moment, someone that knows us could be witnessing all of this award winning parenting (Sarah K, I was thinking of you). So instead of stooping to her level, I just walk away, quite certain she won't be stolen. And as I'm crossing the street, I realize I am, in fact, crossing the street, and a street means cars, and cars hit small children, and that's not a good way to start off the new year. Plus, at that point in time, I wouldn't have been able to come up with one nice thing to say during her eulogy. So I take 10 deep breaths, recross the street, wrap her in my arms, tell her I love her, ask if she wants me to find her mind because I'm quite certain she lost it, that doesn't make her laugh, so I tell her that boys smell like poop, she laughs, this breaks her of her convulsions, we're friends again, she's exhausted, she looks at her now filthy clothes because she's been writhing on the wet cement for what seemed like 6 hours...and says to me "Oh no Mama, I all dirty. We better go inside and get me some new clothes right now before Dada sees." Well played Miss Jane, well played. I've done far worse for some new threads.
23 comments:
this is the 'spirited' young gal i know and love! u really are a great story teller. really great. and i'm pretty sure you probably had something in your closet. and reason #234 i shop at places like TJ's is because there are a million homeless kids in that store running amuck. not sure i've ever even seen one in a stroller, or a cart. usually they are hiding in the clothes. bring hadley there. she will have lots more fun than at nordy's.
p.s. your story was super long.
That delicious chili you gave me the recipe for (plus additional instruction) has been spit all over my computer multiple times in the last few minutes. Chilis coming out my nose hurts. You are hands down the funniest person I know. Hads is damn lucky you are her mom and you remembered that making her laugh is the only way to stop the tantrum from continuing all the way home in an enclosed vehicle, away from the eyes of strangers which actually keep her safe.
Or, the alternative is that you just made up a way too elaborate story to justify to Ryan why you bought out Nordy's. Sometimes, too much detail can get you in trouble because the story just becomes too unbelievable.
Naw, I'm sure all this happened. In fact, I can picture it all scene by scene.
1) You already knock your husbands socks off, I'm sure of it.
2) Who cares if anyone sees your kid having a fit, screw 'em; kids have fits, its why we drink.
3) If you add a ringing cell phone to that story, I've been there too. Its all you can do not to throw the kid into the street, much less cross the street.
4 words: playdate at the mall. You shop a little, and then the other mom shops a little. Works wonders.
i just loved this (quite long and involved) story - poor Megs, i can totally empathize with you on the entire thing, including being convinced some stranger may want to call CPS. :) although i also like fiona's theory that this is totally made up to justify a shopping spree to Ryan LOL
BRAVO on your description, I can certainly see the picture of what must have been a hilarious site to see for any stranger. I would have paid $ to see her cement angels. Love her!
ha! what goes around comes around Missy - and boy, is it ever coming around on you!
hahahaha. great story. hilarious.
can't wait until Hadley is 16. Good Luck.
Meg you should have called, Andi could have helped with Crazy while we shopped... but then I guess we would all be with out this HILARIOUS tale.
fiona it is best never to eat or drink while blog reading you could end up on the MO!
Oh how I wish I would have stumbled across this scene! Would have made me feel semi-normal for having a kid that pulls the same s#it (only at TJ Maxx, Joc). Those damn aisles are too flippin' narrow and he always decides to pull things off the shelves while dangling his 40 lb. body halfway out of the cart. When will we learn? Teenage babysitters are worth their weight in gold. If you know any, can you send them my way??
Oh shit, you two are dead. That girl has your number sister. Love her, love that you were the poster mom for CPS, and I love that all you had to say was boys smell like poop to break her out of it!
good god, that is a super long story. See what happens when i get cooped up all day because it's pouring rain...I get a little wordy. And hey Columbo, I mean Fiona, zip it:). And Joc, this could just be the trip that puts me over the edge and gets me to TJ's, but I doubt it.
so glad you are learning from Mama Llama, when baby llama had same drama at the shop-o-rama Mama kept her kool and all turned out well. Good job Megallama.
I feel like I've been there before. I swear you are the greatest blogger there is. Grace gets promised a lot of sweets. So lets see these outfits you picked out.
this is when you employ the "Vulcan Death Grip" -- the subtle squeeze on the back of the neck that paralyzes the child instantly, yet no one can tell what you are doing, hence no CPS involvement.
Have your ears been ringing? Because Nicole and I have been talking about how HILARIOUS you are and how you can really write. I'm totally email blasting that story to like 50 people. Still laughing inside and out. Love it.
Oh, and your following, shooooot, they're pretty freaking hilarious too. Love the comments people.
Great story- you should publish a book of short stories about Hads! Sounds like a fun shopping trip and oh so familiar!
don't listen to your mom about your story being too wordy - freaking hilarious is what I get from this story.
Brilliant Hads! You are well on your way to becoming the next clothes whore AKA Sarah Avery....well played! Maybe I will teach you my tricks some day:)
And Meg, I am pretty sure I can tell which outfit you went with, great pick!
LOVE it, Love your story telling, Love Hads.
Hilarious! Love this story and of course love that you have such a great way with Hads. She's a lucky girl for sure!
Last week while we were at the mall while I was screaming "Will" at the top of my lungs trying to find my little neanderthal (who had once again either sprinted away or was hiding in the racks) he walked around the corner and handed me the arm of the manequin he had man-handled. He and Hadley need to go shopping together. I seriously leave the mall with him writhing and screaming under my arm at least every other time we go there.
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